Red carpet

Attention patients: please stop making us take you to a hospital 25 miles away simply because your “doctor is at that hospital.” It is a really lame reason. Your doctor is NOT at that hospital; your doctor is doing whatever it is that takes him or her away from whiny, demanding, know-it-all patients like you who threaten lawsuits every time your narcotic needs are not satisfied.

If you can whine and demand to be transported to a particular hospital, you can safely take a cab. You are lucky that the county medical director prefers that we EMS responders babysit you. Clearly the medical director has never worked 911.

It is surprising that, despite your many illegitimate visits to the emergency department, you have not realized that your doctor is not going to be at the hospital awaiting Your Majesty’s arrival.

Your doctor is not going to drag himself out of bed at 3am because you’re going to the ED, especially not for your silly medical complaint. Your doctor is not going to close his office (and his wallet to 20 insurance reimbursements) because of you (and your single insurance reimbursement). Your doctor is not going to cut short his vacation because of you. Your doctor is not going to give up spending time with his nagging spouse and annoying children to be with someone even more irritating. Your doctor is not your slave.

Your doctor has many patients besides you, and many of them go to the ED for many reasons that do not warrant visits to the ED. You all need to learn to share. In fact, start by sharing a cab to the hospital.

Also, “my medical records are at that hospital” and “they know me there” are reasons that are just as lame, because nobody really needs your records for the lame treatment you’re seeking for your lame medical issue, and the only reason the ED staff knows you is that you are always a pain in the ass.

By the way, speaking of medical records, some of the technological advances made in recent decades are quite impressive indeed. There are these “faks machines” that can magically produce copies of documents located in another building miles and miles away. There are also these contraptions called “tellafones” that allow people to talk to other people in other states. You can now send mail and pictures instantly through electric wires these days using “comepewders” – no need to buy stamps! I never figured out how they fit the envelopes in those wires though.

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