How many hooker’s asses do you need to snort $25 worth of cocaine?

As the clip here shows, there are other surfaces that can be used for snorting cocaine besides a hooker’s ass. Be flexible.

A question that comes up a lot that causes me to roll my eyes is, “How much <insert a recreational drug here> did the patient do?” This question usually gets asked at the ED by nurses or doctors, and they usually are referring to the dollar amount, not weight. If they really stopped to think about it, it actually is not a very useful question. Even if they were referring to weight, purity and quality directly affect the usefulness of that measurement as well.

I mean, do they know how much these drugs cost? I’m sure most don’t, so why ask? As a non-user, I have absolutely no fucking idea how much these drugs cost. (More on that later.)

I wouldn’t know what $25 worth of cocaine even means. I only know there’s probably going to be hypertension and tachycardia. And hyperactivity. And EKG. And maybe a weak attempt at, “You know, you really should quit drugs.”

Or, in other words, it means, more cocaine than you probably should be doing, which is zero. (I don’t really care what you do; just don’t call us whining that your chest hurts and acting like you didn’t know a bunch of cocaine was going to cause your chest to hurt.)

Besides, prices fluctuate. Wildly. Location, quality, purity, crop yield, what drug mule got caught, DEA seizing goods, what gang is controlling which block this week, there are many different factors that affect pricing. Do these nurses and doctors mean to say that they keep up with daily recreational drug prices? (Maybe.)

So, just out of curiosity, I Googled some prices. Typical average recreational drug prices in the US, ignoring all sorts of variations:

Cocaine: $80-120/g

Methamphetamine: $100/g

Ecstasy: $150/g

Heroin: $80-200/g

Marijuana: $25-50/g

PCP (powder): $20-30/g

So, after looking at various websites and NOT getting any useful answer from any cops, I suspect that even drug users have a hard time keeping track of how much this stuff cost. But then again, drug users probably have a hard time keeping track of anything really.

Since different substances require different amounts to achieve the desired effects in different human bodies with different levels of addiction, the question “How much did you do?” really doesn’t mean much. This is not really all that different from how 1 beer can put me on my ass while other people can have 10 without any noticeable effects.

2 thoughts on “How many hooker’s asses do you need to snort $25 worth of cocaine?”

  1. When I get asked that question, depending on the patient, my answers are “Not enough”, “Enough for a good time”, and “Too much”.

    And yes, they usually roll their eyes at me, but from my viewpoint at least my answers are more relative to the patient’s condition.

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