I was at some talk, and at some point, it was said that there is no logical correlation between years of experience and confidence in skill. That roughly translated, in my head, to “cocky new people.”

To someone like me, it’s simply weird. Because the longer I work, sometimes, the less confident I feel, as I know more and more about what I don’t know.

I will happily listen to you prattle on and on about the updates on the ever-changing guidelines, but please don’t use your 9 months of experience to question how I manage patients or insinuate that I’m doing things wrong.

And yes, I AM bored at this class. No shit, Sherlock. I’ve had 2 hours of sleep. I don’t want to be here, but it’s mandatory. You cover nothing interesting, nothing stimulating. I’m sitting next to non-EMS people who don’t know how to ask two consecutive assessment questions that make sense if their (and patients’) lives depended on them. You only have bits and pieces of equipment but you want me to use it like it’s a real call. Your “scenarios” are so ridiculously unrealistic and far-fetched they’re filed under “fiction” and they could only have been dreamed up by people who haven’t seen a real call. (Oh wait, that’s you.) Your stupid instructional videos are so fake even the bootleggers don’t want them. These guidelines will be customized months, if not years, later by local EMS agencies anyway before we’re even allowed to follow them, so these classes are basically worthless.

Have you ever run a “megacode” that is so neat and tidy? Rhythm changes perfectly lined up with each 2-minute cycle? Medications that always work? Such a clear-cut line between stable and unstable based on a single criterion? Well, no, because you really haven’t been to that many calls.

And fuck “team dynamics” and “constructive intervention” and all that other bullshit psychobabble. In the real world, when people depend on you, it’s, “Do your fucking job properly or I will send your stupid ass home.”

In fact, I’m straight up sick and tired of all of this shit known as ACLS, PALS, BTLS and whatever other acronyms there are out there that represent each and every stupid class I have to sit through every 2 years simply because it’s required.

Don’t bother me. Leave me the fuck alone. And let us all out of here early.

My God… am I cranky.

I’m trying not to pass judgment, but for some perspective, if you and I so much as smelled a dick* near a kid while working and didn’t say anything, we’d be in so much fucking trouble it would actually make crashing a rig – and the subsequent paperwork – downright pleasant.

*I don’t really know what a dick smells like. If you do, please don’t tell me.

Dear employees,

If you are already a well-known dipshit, and you have genuine work-related performance deficiencies that have been observed by different objective parties, especially in a profession that actually has a thing or two to do with life and death, and these problems are pointed out in detail to you in a mature, professional but honest manner in the hopes of eliciting improvement, it is very unwise to respond by saying, “You need to back up off my shit.”

As a rational being, this tells me the following:

• You are a stupid fuck
• You have no real intention of correcting your deficiencies no matter what you say or claim
• You will get no help from me or anyone else as a direct result of that response even if you ask nicely
• You are not salvageable
• You are therefore a confirmed worthless employee if that wasn’t already obvious to people

Thank you.

Medic

Funny little nuance about emergency services – we don’t literally work directly for the people who are nominally our employers, whether it’s a city/county/state government department/agency or a private company or whatever. Instead, we work for the people who call us.

At least, that’s how I see it.

Yes, I know who signs my paycheck, and I know whose policies and procedures I work under, but I don’t really work for them in the same way a subordinate works for a supervisor in a typical setting. So as far as our employers, especially chief- and upper management-types, are concerned, I must say that I feel no extraordinary loyalty to them, because the only people who really do matter are the people who call us, no matter how stupid they sometimes can be, and that’s where my loyalty lies.

As a matter of fact, whenever our bosses make poor decisions that affect service delivery – and they make many – guess whose side I’m on. And I enjoy having that recourse. We work for the people who call us.

Apparently there is much confusion out there among the motoring public over what is and is not a serious vehicle collision. This in turn causes much confusion over when there should and should not be an ambulance transport to the ED. So, here’s a primer.

Here is a photo of a very serious vehicle collision:

If you were an occupant of any of these vehicles prior to the collision, then that would most likely require an ambulance transport to the ED. Don’t argue with us.

Here are a couple of photos of minor vehicle collisions:

If you were an occupant of any of these vehicles prior to the collision, then that would most likely not require an ambulance transport to the ED. Furthermore, here are a few combinations of words that should not come out of your mouth:

• “My neck hurts.”
• “Can you check me (or him/her) out?”
• “I’m pregnant – is my baby going to be OK?”
• “I want to go to the hospital to get something strong for pain.”
• “Who’s paying for the ambulance (and/or hospital)?”
• “Is my insurance going to cover this?”
• “Can you get my purse?”
• “I want to go to the hospital by ambulance but I want to wait for the tow truck first.”

If I hear any of those words, then I have two words of my own for you: FUCK OFF.

Also, don’t argue with us.

So long, doc. Too bad there are too many numbnuts around. You did the right thing, and I know you know you did. I’m sorry we’re surrounded by idiots. May they finally attain enlightenment one day when they personally suffer one second at a time through long, slow, undignified, painful, terminal disease processes.

Is it just me or does this guy Ross Douthat seem like someone sheltered?

Embracing diversity is not the same as embracing bad behavior.

An asshole is an asshole, even if s/he has green skin.

Dear patients,

It’s not our fault if you happen to be a hoarder and there’s no room for the gurney or any other wheeled contraption, especially if you weigh a few hundred pounds and can’t really walk because of that.

Sincerely,

Medic

Dear fellow EMS people (especially a few unnamed basic EMTs),

When you call 911 on behalf of your child or your family member or whoever the hell it is for some bullshit, we medics expect you to actually have thought long and hard about why you felt it necessary to bother us.

We take care of our own, including you, but that being said, we expect you to use your heads. After all, you’re expected to be a little choosier than the general public, who aren’t necessary familiar with medical stuff, about when to call 911. Don’t be offended when we’re not even trying to hide the fact that we’re not thrilled to be here because your child was “acting up” or because someone has a headache.

If you can’t take care of your own family, don’t expect anyone to trust you with somebody else’s family, and don’t expect me to be first in line wanting to work with you.

Sincerely,

Medic