If the sun was in your eyes, perhaps you shouldn’t have been driving 35 in a 25mph zone. You should be glad you only caused a family’s minivan to roll over onto its roof by clipping its tail instead of center-punching it where the restrained kids were sitting. And you should be ashamed of yourself for setting this kind of example for your teenage daughter who was in the car with you.

As the author wrote in the very interesting book Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do (And What It Says About Us), we really should get away from using the term “traffic accident,” since the word “accident” implies that the event was not predictable and not preventable, and thus no one is at fault , when in fact it is absolutely predictable that a driver not devoting his/her full attention to driving is more likely to wreck, and there almost always is someone at fault because of drugs, alcohol, speeding, phone calls, text messages, stupidity, driving like an asshole, etc.

Loving parents. Concerned siblings. Neat and tidy house. You even sound like an intelligent kid.

So why the fuck are you having an anxiety attack, little boy?

Code 3 for the traffic accident.

As we approach, two vehicles with flashers are still moving slowly in the left lane of the freeway. By the time we reach them, they are stopped. The driver of the trailing vehicle gets out and says he’s fine. He says he “tapped” the other vehicle in heavy traffic. There is no visible damage to his vehicle. The driver of the lead vehicle is sitting in the driver seat, complaining of neck pain. There is absolutely no visible damage to his vehicle either.

We put on the dog and pony show and immobilize him to the longboard. After I suppress the urge to yell at him for being a friggin’ pussy and scamming insurance, that is. But then, before we pull him out, without being asked, he removes the vehicle key from his key ring and leaves it in the ignition. And he does not ask what’s going to happen to his vehicle.

Isn’t that suspicious or am I just being too sensitive?*

*For the readers who may not be familiar with this, in most cases, people involved in traffic incidents who are not staying at the scene have to be told to leave the key for the tow truck operators if their vehicles are inoperable. It is not something one naturally knows to do.

Code 3 for the fall.

“Elderly female fell in bathtub.”

“Now not breathing.”

We go in a neat apartment, make a few turns toward the back bathroom. I turn the corner into the bathroom and stop short. I stop the crew.

“Hold on.”

It’s a crime scene. The woman is in the tub and the tub is filled with water.

Later, I look at the call notes from the communications center, and the very first line – before “Elderly female fell in bathtub” and “Now not breathing” – said, “Possible drowning.”

Umm… I’m not one to run calls based solely on dispatch information, but, ahem, dispatcher person, did you not think that bit of description was at least semi-important? Did you not feel that there was a bit of a difference between just “not breathing in bathtub” and maybe a “drowning”?

Ms. Common Sense, meet Dr. Common Sense.

Code 3 for chest pain. At the urgent care clinic.

As you know, we respond to the urgent care clinic quite often, usually for some silliness that exceeds their capabilities, so it’s usually really just some transfer to the ED. The numbers out of this place are on par with your typical skilled nursing facility.

A woman in her 40s experienced some chest pain in Neighborhood A, where she lives. She called her doctor, who is clearly familiar with both this urgent care clinic and the ED, and asked if she should go to the ED, a few minutes away from her home. He said no, and directed her to the urgent care clinic, 15 minutes away in Neighborhood B.

So, she showed up at the urgent care clinic with chest pain, and – lo and behold – they put in a call to the ED, followed quickly by a call to 911. We leave our coffee – I don’t really remember but it sounds cool to type that – and drive from near her home and the ED all the way to the urgent care clinic, and drive her all the way back to the ED.

And now her car is stuck in the parking lot at the urgent care clinic.

“Who is your doctor? And why did you listen to him in the first place?”

It’s dinner time. We’re at an Asian restaurant, your typical ethnic neighborhood Asian restaurant.

“How many?”

“Actually, can we just get something to go, please?”

“Sure. But you want to eat here? More comfortable?”

“Well, we may have to go on calls.”

“I wrap it up for you if you go, OK? You sit down. More comfortable that way.”

“Um… OK, thanks.”

What a great idea. An uninterrupted dinner. It was comfortable indeed. Much more comfortable than eating in the rig.

Thank you.

Some asshole bureaucrat complained to our bosses at our agency that we sat down for a cup of coffee while on duty* in our response district, and the coffee shop – already not a fan of politicians, bureaucrats and small business-related red tape – found out.

So, the next time the same asshole bureaucrat showed up for coffee, the coffee shop told him he was not welcome because he was not supportive of us. I’d like to thank this coffee shop.

*No calls were missed during the consumption of said coffee, and everyone who did not need an ambulance ride for some silly non-emergency that day got one anyway.

Code 2 for sick person.

A woman meets us at the curb. There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with her.

“My doctor called and said my potassium was high. He said to go to the hospital and to call an ambulance.”

“O…kaaaaay… How high?”

“I don’t know.”

“O…kaaaaay… How old are those labs?”

“He did them a week ago.”

Sigh.

“Get in.”

Code 2 for abdominal pain.

The patient meets us at the curb. No apparent distress. Complaint ongoing for 2 years.

“You guys look like you were sleeping.”

“Yes, that’s what normal people do at 3 in the morning. Get in the rig.”

Code 3 for man down.

Homeless goofball. Nice guy. (Isn’t that all that matters?) Sat down because his foot has been hurting. For years.

“What medicals problems do you have?”

“Excessive ejaculation. Masturbation.”

“Nothing wrong with that, dude. I’m single too.”

“I’ve never had sex though.”

“I’m not sure I see why, stud like you…”

“I just wanna go to the shelter.”

“Alright, man. Let’s help you up to your feet.”