I don’t reason with crazy people

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I have just spent more than 30 minutes with this crazy drug- and alcohol-addled woman. She is calm now, but she was combative and screaming obscenities non-stop before the combination of deliberate non-engagement and Versed finally made her fall asleep briefly as we enter the ED, which is somewhat of a bad thing, because hospitals tend to be very naive about combative patients, and this false sense of security is exactly what I don’t need them to have.

She wakes up as security and ED staff start entering the room before the bed transfer.

“WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE? I WANT TO GO TO FUCKING [Hospital A]!”

For some unknown reason, the nurse, who certainly looks old enough to know better, thought this patient worthy of an intelligent discussion as she continues to scream basically gibberish continuously.

“Yes, why didn’t you bring her to [Hospital A]?”

“Uh, we never discussed it. You see, I don’t discuss anything of meaning with a violent patient who makes 4 people fight to restrain her.”

“So why did you bring her here?”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Because you’re closest.”

The patient is still screaming about that other hospital. This nurse still thinks there is a coherent conversation in this room somewhere.

“Can you tell her that?”

“What?”

“You know, to calm her down, since she’s asking why she’s not at [Hospital A].”

“What?”

“But don’t tell her it’s because it’s the closest.”

<Silence>

What the fuck is this nurse’s problem? She has a student nurse too; God help him.

If there’s anything you don’t do, you don’t ask medics to be serious in ridiculous situations; you are not going to be happy. (Take note, student nurse.)

“Ma’am, [Hospital A] is closed forever. Don’t ever ask to go there again. Ever.”

This actually confuses the patient for a few seconds before she resumes screaming her head off non-stop.

The nurse isn’t too pleased though. And doesn’t get it.

“It’s closed? It’s not closed.”

“Were you expecting a serious answer to a crazy person’s question?”

“Can you step out of the room? You’re agitating her.”

“I’ve been with her for a long time. I’ve not said more than a dozen words to her. I’m pretty sure I’m not the problem.”

“Can you step out of the room?”

“I’m only still here because you wouldn’t let me leave. Bye.”

Random old posts:

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Does everything have to be difficult?

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Code 3 for the fall.

An “escape artist” from the neighborhood old people care home has done it again. But he didn’t make it far before falling down.

“What’s your name?”

“James.”

“What’s your last name?”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Well, can I have your last name?”

“The hospital’s got all that information.”

“Yeah, but they still need your name to actually get that information.”

<Silence>

“Pleeeeease?”

<Silence>

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

“<Insert last name>.”

“Thank you.”

Sigh.

Random old posts:

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You didn’t know this?

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Code 3 for sick person with a headache and abnormal breathing.

Abnormal breathing? MPDS and its “priority symptoms” are really annoying.

A disinterested firefighter waves us down a long driveway, flanked on both sides by dilapidated living units.

“We come here all the fucking time.”

It’s a 30-year-old woman with a headache. She’s carrying her baby in a car seat and walking toward the ambulance from her residence with the rest of the fire crew. Apparently the second adult woman who hands her the car seat can’t watch the baby.

“She can’t watch the baby?”

“We already went through all that with her.”

“Sorry guys. Just asking. Get in.”

This woman is flat, impolite, doesn’t want to answer questions and obviously has some sort of mental and/or personality defect. I keep the interactions to a bare minimum and taxi her to the ED.

She walks into the ED, and a few minutes later, the charge nurse approaches.

“Can she go to the waiting room so we can fast-track her through Quick Care and get rid of her?”

“Of course.”

“OK, walk her out there, and let me just get the doc to make sure she’s OK with this.”

As the patient plays on her phone, the ED attending comes over.

“What’s she here for?”

“Headache.”

“People call you guys for headaches?”

“People call us for all kinds of unbelievably stupid stuff. You didn’t know this working in the ED?”

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May I turn off your oxygen?

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Code 3 for possible coroner’s case.

Check that – shortness of breath.

Sometimes I really wonder what people see with their eyes.

Anyway, at this upscale home with entitled rich people, we’re moving the patient from the floor to the gurney, and I disconnect her cannula from her home oxygen supply and connect it to our portable tank. Like I’ve done hundreds of times before, I instinctively follow the tubing back 30 feet around some corners to the bedroom.

“What are you doing? Don’t wake the baby!”

That was a relative of the patient shrieking at me.

I ignore her for a second, but my curiosity gets the better of me, and I kinda want to see what stupid thing I am going to hear next, so I poke my head around the corner back toward where the voice came from.

“Why would I wake the baby?”

Like I’m going back there to scream at the baby that I didn’t even know about. And then bang some pots together like cymbals.

“Uh…”

“I’m turning off her oxygen. Is that OK with you?”

I don’t know about her, but I was raised to put stuff away when I’m done using it.

I really hope she notices the transparently fake smile.

Random old posts:

Posted in Stories | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Please stop using the phrase “I think he’s in shock”

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Yes, I’m talking to you, civilians.

The way you use it is based on watching too much TV and when used in that sense it means “he’s scared.”

The way we use it means something completely different.

So, call 911 for your silly reasons, but stick to the facts and keep your two cents to yourselves. Leave the assessment to us. If you think you know better than we do, then don’t call us and drive yourselves to the hospital. In fact, better yet, skip the hospital and treat yourselves at home since you probably think you know better than the physicians too.

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