According to Mary Roach’s hilarious book Bonk, there are apparently quite a few cock-ring emergencies in San Francisco.

She is discussing the theory of constricting venous return and the evolution of erector rings, and then in the footnote, she unexpectedly digresses:

In San Francisco, cock-ring emergencies are so common that they have their own shorthand (“C-Ring”) on the Fire Department teletype. The department’s Heavy Rescue Squad has modified a small circular saw especially for this purpose and occasionally stages practice drills. The latter prove challenging owing to the absence of manipulable genitalia on Resusci-Andy dolls and the refusal of male staff to volunteer as mock victims.

Frankly, I’m quite surprised that Roach, with her book full of hilarious irony, doesn’t point out the seeming incongruity between a cock-ring emergency and a Heavy Rescue Squad.

Anyhow, my dear Happy Medic, what say you? Can you confirm these important details?

I noticed a book review somewhere and this one, There is Power in a Union: The Epic Story of Labor in America, by historian Philip Dray, looks interesting.

Funny timing too, since for months around here we’ve been getting both libeled and slandered by the politicians trying to avoid putting their hands up and taking the blame for the fiscal mess that they themselves created. That in turn has led to the typically ignorant segment of the public believing the lies, omissions and half-truths the politicians are spewing about us, with the help of integrity-challenged media outlets.

Unions have, especially in recent years, been easy targets for the fact-challenged. Without getting into all kinds of details, unions, just like anything else, have good things to offer as well as bad. Everyone talks about the bad things, but do they ever mention the working conditions Big Business and Big Industry are dying to impose if not for organized labor?

So Steven Slater no longer works for JetBlue. No one saw that coming.

For those of you who missed this piece of news – and there are probably very few of you who missed it – Slater is the flight attendant who, after getting bonked on the head by a disobedient passenger’s luggage who then cussed him out, told her to go fuck herself or something like that over the PA before deploying the emergency evacuation slide and making his now-infamous exit.

The cops apparently later sent an entire battalion of officers to arrest him, dangerous criminal that he is, at his Queens home. Slow day, I suppose?

Naturally, there are a lot of people who are sympathetic to his situation. All kinds of people are chiming in about how the world is full of assholes who like to abuse folks who work in the service industry as if they were second-class citizens. (I was very nice to the United folks, even if I did write that big ol’ post on how they kept screwing me over.) Many people are wondering why the rude passenger wasn’t arrested herself, since it was apparent she disobeyed at least a couple of instructions from the flight crew, a violation of federal law, not to mention somehow causing the small but obvious injury to Slater’s head. That includes me.

Interestingly, for those of you who fly enough, airline passengers are not unlike ambulance passengers. Both groups can be described as, for lack of a better phrase, a bunch of fucking jackasses. The striking difference, however, is that airline passengers tend to not include, for instance, indigent substance abusers who have lived very hard lives, not that that should be an excuse for their behavior. Why do people feel that they can behave in such a way that, in other settings, would quickly draw a deserved punch to the mouth?

Even though I’m not known for rash decisions, sometimes I really do fear that I myself might say or do something untoward the next time someone asks me a thousand times to “get” her “purse.”

Or when a family member keeps asking us to “cover” a patient “with a blanket” when we’re carrying the 350-lb whale down the stairs, or worse, when a family member physically approaches and tries to cover the patient with a blanket, while we’re doing everything we can to not drop him.

It’s a strange state of affairs when it’s not belligerence or combativeness that I think would push me over the edge, but rather it’s the little annoying things.

What do you think will set you off?

Drunk guy. Quite obvious he’s patronized us several times before.

“Hey man, I don’t want no ambulance bill! Last time they sent me a bill. I don’t want another bill for the ambulance! I don’t wanna pay for this!”

“Did you pay your last one?”

“Hell no!”

“Do you usually pay your bills?”

“No!”

“Then what the fuck are you worried about?”

I couldn’t think of a cute title, but I figure that I’d probably never write anything about hot chocolate anyway. (Of course, I never thought I’d hear about someone calling 911 specifically for hot chocolate either.)

Meet Mark Eskelsen, who used someone’s pool without permission, caused a ruckus, and then followed it up by calling 911 to demand “a hug” and some “hot chocolate with marshmallows.”

Here’s something interesting that Tom the 12-lead expert posted: a cath lab nurse, Yvonne B. Singletary, wrote about the ticket she received for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign while en route to a cath lab activation.

The citing officer could have let her go, but then again, he’s the one who saw with his own eyes how her driving really was. As with anything like this, there’s always more to the story than what is told. There certainly are some merits to her position, but there are people out there who have raised other legitimate issues as well. The most important rule is one I learned long ago, one that usually escapes newer folks: first, you have to get there safely, in one piece.

• To start, at exactly what speed did she go through this stop sign in question?
• How many other traffic infractions – speeding is the first one that comes to mind – did she really commit during that same trip?
• Why would we allow someone like her, in an unmarked car with no lights and sirens, to be exempt from traffic laws? Driving is already dangerous enough as it is while obeying all relevant traffic laws; go through a red light or two, speed a few mph more, and it certainly does not get any safer, for her or anyone else.
• What’s the hospital’s position on this? What’s their liability if she wrecks?
• Is the hospital going to have a policy in place telling cath lab staff (or similar staff) that they could go through red lights after looking both ways?
• Most code 3 ambulance responses and transports are very carefully and conservatively conducted – for safety reasons and for patient care reasons. The first time your partner reaches up front and smacks you on the head is the last time you throw him or her around in the back.
• Code 3 ambulance transports are only marginally quicker and should be very selectively used.
• I think it would be incredibly ironic if I carefully drove a code 3 ambulance with a STEMI to the hospital only for someone like her to wreck her car (and possibly other cars) trying to meet us there.
• Finally, all this time and effort she is putting into getting her way – exempting people like her from traffic citations – could and should be redirected towards getting people to eat less and exercise more to reduce cardiac events. I’ve suggested many times on this blog that the medical community as a whole absolutely sucks at patient education and illness and injury prevention. Instead of considering how to get the cath lab people to the cath lab, the real question should be how to get fewer people to need a cath lab in the first place. I think it would be unfair if her traffic ticket got more attention than the importance of a healthy lifestyle.

I am not happy.

If I ever provided this kind of customer service, I’d be in so much trouble.

This is the tale of my United Airlines travel voucher and the time and effort wasted because of it after its issue. I’ll keep it short but you can imagine what a big pain in the ass this whole episode has been.

A few weeks ago, I was issued a $400 travel voucher after being bumped from a flight, even though United did not, according to the DOT rules, owe me anything because the reason was a switch to a smaller aircraft.  I have no idea how I got chosen to be bumped along with some other folks; I bought the ticket early, I checked in early and I was at the gate early.

The gate agents practically begged me to take a different flight with an extra leg and backtrack to my original destination, 5 hours longer in total. They also offered me the voucher, which they said would be issued at the new gate. Problem was, they waited until the very last minute to make this offer, and I had to run about a mile to get to the new flight, now waiting for only 1 passenger – me.

Once I got to the new gate, the agents didn’t believe me (“Why would I lie? I just want to get to my destination.”) that they had to issue me a voucher, and only after a few phone calls, the old gate agents told them to do so. Then they literally shoved me onto the plane because they were in “mad scramble mode” for the now-late push-back, and I didn’t have a chance to check my voucher like I usually would until I sat down, because I never trust people in these situations.

The voucher was issued in the wrong name.

After an e-mail seeking advice on how to get this rectified followed by an 11-day wait, the reply was that I could only go to the issuing airport to have it re-issued. Well, thank God I actually live in the same state as the issuing airport.

Survey? Sorry, I'm not satisfied with ANYTHING at the moment...

At the issuing airport, I had to produce the e-mail to refute the ticket counter agents’ claim that only “Headquarters” can re-issue vouchers before a very helpful agent, after working on it for 20 minutes behind closed doors, handed me a re-issued voucher in my name.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I drove to a nearby airport to pick up a different round-trip ticket I had reserved because, somehow, travel vouchers can only be processed in person. A bit ironic, since vouchers are basically how an airline begs you to fly with them again after they fuck you over, so why not make it inconvenient to redeem one?

It turned out that was not the only ironic part. Just when I arrived at the ticket counter, a baggage agent came over and asked the only ticket counter agent to cover at the gate before turning to me and saying flatly, and unapologetically, “She’ll be back in 20 minutes.”

“Err… I’m just here to pick up a ticket.”

“Yeah, she’ll help you when she gets back in 20 minutes, OK?”

“Do I have a choice?”

And they both bailed. Not a soul was present at the counter. The screen on the wall behind the counter read:

It was 2:10pm

Even better, all over the ticketing area were posters and signs of various sizes stating, “United. #1 in on-time arrivals…” I don’t think it matters if I can’t even get a ticket, does it?

But you have to be able to get a ticket first

I did not see either of those two agents again.

In my anger, I phoned the listed reservation number and asked for any kind of customer service number so I can rant at someone. Anyone. Not productive, but I just wanted to. Besides, I didn’t bring a book and I had nothing else to do. Well, the obviously overseas call center had no idea what phone number there is for customer service.

I sat down, and another man with his young son showed up. He was there to pick up a ticket using a voucher as well, just like I was. He wondered where everyone went too. I told him.

A full 37 minutes later, at 2:47pm, a very helpful agent showed up, and it appeared she was starting her shift. I was polite, since she had done nothing to me and was clearly a nice lady. She admitted that to get a $400 voucher in the first place really meant someone really fucked me over. She got me what I needed, and I was on my way.

The only problem is that now I still have a balance of $15 on the voucher, and the only way to redeem it is in person. But do not think for one second I’m willing to forfeit it. Not after this.

***Update #1:

Of course I wrote United. Five days later, I received the following message from United:

They just keep messing up

Not only did they not have a response to my multiple complaints, they made another boo-boo again! I’m usually pretty easy-going, but it’s almost like they just want to keep giving me something to complain about!

***Update #2:

They wrote back with an apology 4 days later. Along with a $150 “Goodwill Electronic Certificate.” I feel a little bad that they gave me that, considering how much blog mileage I got out of writing about the whole incident, and considering how easily they kept giving me legitimate reasons to complain. It was quite therapeutic. At least it’s an e-cert.

This episode finally has an ending after 45 days

Until the next time they fuck me over.

I happened to glance at the paper the other day and noticed a letter written by a reader, responding in agreement to an earlier article, complaining about how in a certain city average public safety salaries were significantly higher than that of other city employees. That really irked me. Never mind, for a second, that the media gets most details wrong usually with lies, half-truths and omissions anyway. Most city services are open for business 40 hours a week, if you’re lucky. Public safety agencies – police, fire, EMS – are open all 168 hours a week. That means nights, weekends, holidays, blizzards, etc.

A bit of basic mathematics: 168 hours divided by 40 hours is 4.2.

Roughly speaking, I would expect something that is operating 4.2 times longer to cost quite a bit more. But, that’s thinking that seems to have eluded many folks.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard these silly questions before:

“Is the fire station open at night?”

“Who goes to the calls at night?”

“Do you need training for this type of work?”

“Can I call 911 after hours?”

“Do you sleep at night?”

“Do you go to calls if you’re sleeping?”

Amazingly, it’s the people who seem to have their shit together who ask these questions. Which is kind of funny until you remember that these folks are often asked to vote on issues that directly affect our operations. And then you remember that there are still people wondering about the President’s place of birth. Eventually at some point you start to wonder if Canada is still taking applications for residency.

I would like to recommend a very interesting book to you. It’s titled Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do (and What It Says About Us) and it’s written by Tom Vanderbilt.

To give you an idea of what this book is about, here’s a list of its chapters:

• Why I Became a Late Merger (and Why You Should Too)
• Why Does the Other Lane Always Seem Faster? How Traffic Messes with Our Heads
• Why You’re Not as Good a Driver as You Think You Are
• How Our Eyes and Minds Betray Us on the Road
• Why Ants Don’t Get into Traffic Jams (and Humans Do): On Cooperation as a Cure for Congestion
• Why Women Cause More Congestion Than Men (and Other Secrets of Traffic)
• Why More Roads Lead to More Traffic (and What to Do About It)
• When Dangerous Roads are Safer
• How Traffic Explains the World: On Driving with a Local Accent
• Why You Shouldn’t Drive with a Beer-Drinking Divorced Doctor Named Fred on Super Bowl Sunday in a Pickup Truck in Rural Montana: What’s Risky on the Road and Why

I think it’s only natural someone like me would be interested in something like driving and everything associated with why people drive poorly (and needlessly cause death and injury to themselves and others).

Quick tip: on highway calls we can make ourselves a bit more visible if we park slightly at an angle as opposed to being totally parallel to the flow of traffic.

Check out these 2 weirdos – Michael Kevin Lallana and Michael Wayne Edwards Jr – who were caught engaging in semen-related activities.

I can see the words coming (bad pun) out of the women’s mouths (bad choice of words) already.

“I drank some semen. Is it bad for me? Should I go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped?”

“I got sprayed with sperm. Am I going to get pregnant? Should I go to the hospital to get tested?”

Could be worse; these guys could be breeding. I for one prefer their sperm not meet any eggs, like this.